Unhappyness #2

I have spent a week thinking, not in a feel sorry for yourself way, but in a forward way. granted my head is in a bit of a state at the moment so I need to do a clear out.

My thought process this morning was:

I will get up for work (as normal) because I dont want to be at home

I dont want to be at work

I dont want to speak to Jen (my long suffering wife) but she has the bank card and I need petrol to get to the job I dont want to go to in the car that I hate driving.

My thoughts now after a few hours thinking:

I dont want to be at work because I dont believe in my ability to do the job well (this may sound negative but its actually a positive)

I recognise that the issue with work at the moment is belief, my belief, this is some thing I can work on.

I dont want to be at home because my wife worries constantly about every thing and I don't have the energy to deal with her worry or to respond to it. Which is why I felt I could not speak to her this morning.

Her worry is not mine to deal with though I feel as a husband it is my job to find solutions to her worry? in actual fact that job is impossible. only she can do that for herself.

As I was forcing myself to work, I decided to try to fill my diary with as many clients as I could so that next week I am kept busy in the hope that it would be a better week, I noticed that we are upon a bank holiday. I feel good about this, though I'm not sure why, I'm rolling with it.

Before I go, Last night when I got home, there was a message to call the doctors. I thought it would be regarding my councelling appointment? No! the 'erm' doctor had not written down my blood pressure reading when I was there on Tuesday and as I'd been avoiding going in to have it taken for the past 3 months they called to ask me to go in. I kindly offered to take my BP and give her the results over the phone but she refused as I'm not medically trained! Then, as I'm feeling slightly annoyed by the situation and that I have been somehow 'tricked' into going for my blood pressure taken the woman on the phone did the most annoying thing anyone on a phone can do to an adjitated person, she spoke softly and nicely!

"would you mind comming in and having it taken by our nurse Mr Benson?"

"No, Not at all, can we make it a morning appointment?" I replied

Grrrr!

Now that is training for you! I teach my clients to do the same thing! conned by my own work! it was like being shot with my own gun!

TTFN

Unhappyness

Hello again.

I have been on a downward spiral for a while now, if I'm honest probably since November 2010, though I did not realise where I was heading.

Over the last six months I have been feeling lethargic, I put this down to smoking, so I prepared my self and quit. but still the lethargy remained. though I'm sure smoking didn't help.

I continued to push my self at work and was becoming increasinly disheartend. it got to the point where I am no longer sure if its my lack of motivation making me lethargic or my lethargy taking my motivation.

During a recent family holiday I spent two days sleeping. I would get up for breakfast feeling fine and by the time I had eaten I was ready to sleep. This time I put it down to sun stroke and it probably played a part. My wife urged me to see a doctor when we got home which was met with the usual response "oh don't be daft'.

Well we got home and I continued to feel lethargic and de-motivated. I swollowed my pride and booked in to see the Doctor, by this time I had an idea what he was going to say.

I saw a student doctor and explained what I was feeling, he sat back in his chair and said "erm" he said this quite a bit. I could see he felt uncomfortable so I suggested it could be my blood pressure tablets, he had a flick through the BNF (bible for doctors) suprisingly he never gave me an answer to that. Instead, he sat back in is chair and said "erm".

Due to my job, I'm pretty good at leaving in the silences, so I waited for him to fill the space.

"erm, do you, erm, think....erm, your depressed?"

I thought, "thanks pal, put it back on to me!"

at this point i was feeling a little sorry for him, he had remained professional in a situation he felt uncomfortable in. So I gave in and replied "yes"

Doctor: and would erm.. you... like some....erm....medication for that?

Me: No! I have trouble remembering my blood pressure tablet every day at the same time I don't want any more.

So here we are, waiting for an appointment to see a councelling service, booked in to get my Thyroid checked.

One thing which crossed my mind as I left the surgery was a gag, a joke, an anecdote which I could add to the other rubbish I have been trying to write.

Doctor: You have depreesion

Patient: I'm not sure I'm happy about that.

I'm in a little limbo land at the moment, due to lack of friends I have decided to write about it. I don't want my parents to fuss, it wouldn't help anyone. I also don't feel like i can talk to my wife about it, this sound harsh, but it's how I feel. so by default yours is the shoulder I'm crying on.

Keep you posted! *

*As I wrote that last paragraph I recieved a phone call from my best friend to say he was back in the uk and is comming to see me, I've not seen him in nearly 4 years when he left to live in New Zealand.