Life's Begining to Balance

It's been a strange four months, four months of ups and downs, high highs and low lows but it's beginning to feel like life is starting to balance, like the dust is beginning to settle. This means I can begin to look at the future....which is nice.

I owe so much to those who have been with me and supported me. For those of you who read this guff on a regular basis you'll know I try to avoid mentioning names, so here's a roll call of folk I really want to thank.

CP, SMc, Dad, Mum, GH, JH, JD, MD, CH, SP, Sister, Brother, Son, SW, RL, VY

There is no doubt that I'll have missed someone off but if you know me you'll expect it of me.

I've mentioned before about how colleagues have become great friends since I moved to the area, this hits home again just looking at the list above. Some of the above people I haven't even seen face to face but they have sent messages offered support and it all means alot, even more so now that I'm looking back over the last few months. you guys are my world and what ever happens I promise I will always be there to return the love, support, friendship, the laughs and the reality checks you have given me.

So if you do read this guff on a regular basis you may wonder what's changed? No? Oh well, I'll tell you anyway...(if your bored already feel free to click the cross in the top right corner).

From the above list I could single out anyone of them and tell you what wonderful people they are, and they have all helped in a different way, but there is one in the list that probably isn't aware just how much she has helped and in such a short period.

It started about 4 weeks ago, when we started our relationship I'll be honest, I was a bit nervous, nervous because I didn't want to lead anyone on, hurt her or give the wrong impression of me. I was never looking to 'play the field' or have one night stands but at the same time was I ready for a relationship?

I knew S through work, she's funny, level headed, mature, sensible but she can also let her hair down... so to speak. I was ready to see where or what it would lead to, so when she send a text with a 'get out clause' I knew I wanted to see her again.

I wasn't expecting anything and didn't want to either, but in the time we have had, I've met more great people, funny people. With S, I feel very relaxed almost at peace. This is very new for me in a relationship. It's a world where no discussions are off limits, where I can say what's on my mind with out fear of the consequences, someone that tells me straight and laughs at me and with me when I cock up. I can be me.

It is still early days, and there is no pressure its great to enjoy the moments as they come by and then look forward to the next moments. at the moment it's perfect, she's perfect for me, long may it continue.

For now I'm happy,

T'ra for now

Mike

Time for a RANT!!

Since July 2010 I have worked alone, I've not been part of a team, support was there if I went to it. So for two years, two long years I have got up every morning for work often I'm the first one in. I've worked late, I've gone beyond the call of duty. Why? Because I care, because I want 'my' service to be the best it can be for 'my' clients. It got to the point when I realised that being detached from an employer from an organisation became unbarable. So I made the steps to change it. I asked if it could be different?

Now that I am part of a team and have that support from an organisation, from other drug/alcohol professionals. 'my' service has gone out to tender, a tender which my new organisation does not want!

So what does this mean for me? Well, the new provider will not be likely to set up an office in Harrogate just for me! so that puts me back to working alone.

The commissioners have had two years to see me as a case study to see if the worker being detached from their organisation works. They have paid no attention. They failed to see what was under their nose. My stats faltered as soon as I was moved out of an organisation and lost that support. I kept my head above water and stopped the stats failing completely by going beyond the Monday-Friday 9-5. I do not have the energy or desire to carry that on.

I once loved this job, I had a passion, that passion has fuelled me for the last two years and now the tank is empty. I'm ready to walk away and I'll walk with no regrets and my head held high for what I have done in the environment I was left in. I will always be grateful for the support I received from those who were around me. I hope the new model works, I hope it works for the young people who rely on the service for support when they need it most. Even if I keep a job in September I'm not planning on sticking around, my time is done.

This is as polite as I can manage

Mike

Change has to be uncomfortable

Evening all,

It's Sunday evening, I've just arrived home from the final weekend of a Neuro-Linguistic Programming course, I've not been home since Friday has I've spent the evenings with......dare I say it....my girlfriend. My house mate is out, the house is silent. For the final day of the course we were asked to bring a gift for the other guys/gals on the course, a former colleague and now friend brought in some traditional curry for us all and with the aid of a 'doggy bag' I'm now tucking in to some more while I type here at home.

I'm now running two blogs, this is a personal entry, as I mentioned in previous blogs on here, writing what is happening in my life has been a huge help, it means I can take the stuff out of my mind and almost keep it real rather than chewing it over behind my eyes.

The second and 'new' blog is called 'musingsubstance'. As you may assume from the title this is predominantly about drugs/alcohol and a little about behaviour, in general..a work blog.

So, my life so far? In my last blog, it was all coming together, potential new home, opportunities at work and a transfer to a larger organisation, here's how it's turned out so far.......

On Monday 26th March myself and V went to the letting agents, signed the lease and got the keys to our shared home, I had that week off work, the weather was fantastic almost like a week in July. I slowly moved what little stuff I had over the week and finally moved myself in on the Saturday, V would move in the following week.

So here I am in my new home it's been a few weeks now and all seems to be going well.

The opportunity through work to get involved the the performance of 'My Name is Bill' will take place on 11th June 2012, I'm looking forward to this so much I've heard it is quite a powerful story.

I moved to the larger drug treatment charity on April 1st, I've settled in well and I'm enjoying being part of a drug team again. but as always life isn't smooth.

I sat in my new bosses office as she explained that the tender for the yp substance misuse service has gone out to tender and all the possible changes that could entail. One thing she knew for sure is that my new employers would not be putting in for the tender, this then means that if I manage to keep hold of my job on 1st September I will be right back in the position I was in before, detached from my organisation with little or no support. I don't want to go back there but like I said, that's 'if' i can keep my position.

As she finished telling me this I said, "I notice you have a position going with the adult service?" the closing date was that day so after work I completed the application form and emailed it in.

Last Friday (20th April) I had an interview for the post of Recovery Worker. Despite my preparation I failed, my mind went blank as I walked in the room. It was as if I had sabotaged myself, looking back, I had failed the moment my arse hit the seat, before I had even spoken a word.

After the interview I had to leave to pick up my car from the garage, I kicked myself all the way there but tried to tell myself I might still have done enough.

The cost of fixing the car turned out to be £240 and to add insult to injury my card was declined. I needed the car this weekend as it was the final weekend of my NLP Practitioner course in Darlington. Thankfully mum was on hand to bail me out..Thanks Mum.

I drove home to pack for the weekend, trying to switch off from the interview and cost of the car. As I pulled up my phone rang, the voice on the other end said "you didn't do it Mike? I'm so disappointed!"

I wasn't shocked, she went on to say "there was two questions you just didn't answer" "we'll sit down and give you some proper feedback, we don't want to loose you, you fit in so well here"

Sod it!! bags packed, on to Ripon to see S, some food, chill out in front of the TV with a bottle of wine.

It is very easy to relax with S, she'd made fish cakes from scratch, the wine was waiting to be opened, her friend was round with her son who was a fab little lad and a good distraction from the day I'd had. We spent the evening watching the Hangover part 2, had a couple of glasses of wine, it was exactly what I needed.

Saturday morning as I'm driving to Darlington for the 1st day of the last weekend I decide that the issue I will work on this weekend would be why I have not progressed to a team leader post yet and how I can relax during this uncomfortable period of change.

The plan for the day: we were split in to groups of 3. an explorer, a guide and an observer, we would all have to do each role at some point, I began as the explorer (Exploring my issues). N was a fabulous guide and very good at listening. I blurted out what was in my mind about work and being in an unfamiliar life unable to relax. we decided to split the issues into 'Home' and 'Work'. I talked for a good hour, about what I do, Why I do it, and why the day before I had sabotaged my own interview. both N and L (who was the observer) gave me very supportive feedback and highlighted from what I had waffled on about, that there was a 'parts' issue, Part of me wanted that recognition and a part of me was afraid to take the risk. N facilitated further discussion and exploration into what was holding me back, was I good enough for the promotion to Team Leader or even Manager? N and L both claimed I was and that my belief that a good leader would know all the boring policies as well as a good people person. I believe I have the qualities to lead and manage but it was very clear that something was holding me back.

N had to leave at this point, I wouldn't say I was left hanging, but for the first time I could see where I was going wrong. I was exhausted from talking over my issues, but there was no rest, in N's absence I was to be guide as we explored L issue. it was tough going and although I could not help her find a solution, I helped her develop a way forward and said it had really helped.

Sunday Morning, N, L and I carry on where we left off yesterday morning. after a re-cap it was decided that the best tools to use with me would be a sub modality shift to remove the part holding me back followed by creating an anchor for confidence.

The sub modality is done with a light trance, I enjoy this because I get to relax. in the light trance I could see the part of me which was holding me back and I understood why [I appreciate this sounds a little wierd, but if your ever interested in learning more either find an NLP therapist of better still give me a call] the part of me holding me back was doing so because I was trying to avoid failure. in the light trance, I shrunk the part or the image to the point I could not see it and sent it as far as I could imagine and in my mind buried it under a tree. That part of me is now gone. N went on to help me create a confidence anchor, anchors are something we all have, music is a very common one, we hear a song and it takes us back to a time or place. one for me in Cinnamon, it reminds me of Christmas.

The anchors we have are created by repetitive action and feeling at the same time. In the light trance I focused on a time I felt extremely confident and once the feeling peaked made and action (pressing two fingers together) the idea being that when I need to feel confident I make the action and the feeling of confidence comes in.

So there you have it, a bit of a long blog this time, but for now I'm a newly qualified NLP therapist, in four weeks time I begin the next level, the Masters.

Take care

Mike

Hard Work & Determination Pay-off

It's a Friday afternoon, I'm sat in my car having 10 minutes to myself before my next client, as I check Facebook a friend posts to ask if there is anyone out there who would like to house share? An opportunity? I took a second or two to think, this would be much better for me, this friend works very hard and is very trust worthy and I'd be living with someone I know rather than a couple of strangers.
I reply to say I was interested, I'm not sure I hid my excitement very well though.
On top of all V's other qualities she is very organised and over the weekend emailed me some potential houses. By Monday afternoon, we had met for a coffee, I'd met her mum and arranged our first viewing. The house was nice but not quite all we'd hoped for.
Tuesday: We had arranged to meet to view another property, when we arrived there had been a mix up and the estate agent thought we where there to look at the 3 bed house opposite.
As it turned out this was to be a stroke of luck, the house was perfect, recently decorated and spread over 3 floors it was everything we'd hoped for.
We decided to give it some serious thought, if the numbers add up and the landlord allows the dog it was a goer!!
As I head back to work, I receive a phone call from one of the faith schools, this school is not one I visit regularly, for what ever reason, so I was interested to hear what the lady was calling about.
"Our school, will be joining up with Bryan Bounds, who has written a one man play called My Name Is Bill" she declared in a well pronounced voice. Now, I'd not heard of Bryan Bounds but I did recognise the title of the play. It's a true story about a man called Bill Woods, he lost his wealth during the Wall St collapse and fell into alcoholism, through this he set up a support group which went on to become Alcoholics Anonymous.
"Our School, would like to develop an educational package around this performance, and as your the local 'expert' we were wondering if you would be kind enough to help us?"
In the excitement of the new house I'll admit I was only half listening to the posh woman but I agreed to meet with her and Bryan which we would arrange via email to come to a mutually convenient time. Again I'll admit that when I put the phone down I'd already forgotten most of the conversation.
My Tuesday was to get even better. I sit down at my computer and log on to my emails. My boss has emailed to say that the personnel dept. of a large drug treatment charity would like to arrange a time on Monday to negotiate my contract and transfer of my service to their organisation.

This day brought so many things together, stuff I'd been working on for some time..Career opportunities, a move to a larger organisation where I could move up the ladder and somewhere to call home. All this has been my focus for some time and it all fell in to place... on the 13th March...My lucky day!!

New Life Update

So after leaving the current Mrs B and all I know that is comfortable, I honestly believed within a week or so I would have got a room in Harrogate to rent and begun to feel settled. It's now March 2012 and I'm still in Thirsk, not that this is a bad thing, I enjoy being with M&J they are a lovely couple and we have shared plenty of laughs I've even been able to witness some of their laughs. I feel very privileged and honoured that these are my friends.
Can I just say, that for me, the hardest part of making this change is knowing I've upset someone, that there is someone or two people in particular that have been affected by by decision. I only hope one day they too can experience the benefit of what I have decided.
I contacted K one of the above mentioned people, I wanted him to know that I am still here if he needs me. His response was very mature and polite, he kindly refused, I replied to say that I respected his decision but that the offer would always be there. you see it's not a 'response' I was after, I was offering him something, something without limits or agenda, that offer is still there.
At this point it was clear to me I had to give him complete distance, if he needs me he'll find me and I'll look forward to that time.

My aim is still to move to Harrogate and hopefully before the end of March, though I have doubts this will happen. What has happened though and one of the reasons I made such a change in my life, I am coming across more and more opportunities. I qualify as an NLP Practitioner next month, there is an opportunity for me to go on and complete the Masters, if I had not made the change that option would have come with so much conflict. other opportunities? Well, My cousin Katie gets married next year, had I not changed I would have had to wait until the last minute to say whether or not I would be there, but today I sent a message to say I will be there! this is a tiny, tiny thing but I appreciate it much more because of my experience over the last 4 1/2 years. Who knows, by then there might be a plus 1?
Over the last few weeks I have given this a little thought though not much....Honest! Friend have asked me what is my 'type'? to be completely honest..I don't know. I can honestly say that right now, I know what they mean by saying "Looks aren't every thing" Someone who will encourage me to take the risk when there are benefits to be had, for this to happen this 'someone' would have to believe in me. At the same time someone who will rope me back in when I get carried away. Laughter, now this is vital! Sometimes the sick ironies in this world make me laugh then the fact that others are too cowardice to laugh at them makes me laugh even more so someone who knows what makes me smile and not judge me on the things I laugh at but judges me on what I DO! This is far to open to describe any one I know at present specifically but I'm not ruling anyone out either. To be..again...honest, the thought of relationships at the moment tires me, the last 4+ years have exhausted me. Right now, I just want to be amongst friends.

Night all

Mike

Turns out folk actually read this guff

I left the last post on a bit of a cliff hanger (Eastender type), since the split I have been living with friends back in my home town. J&M have been fabulous and very supportive, I couldn't begin to thank them enough and I will certainly never forget it (unless I end up with Dementia or get hit over the head or half drown leading to me suffering amnesia) where was I?

So I'm back at my old stomping ground, J and I went into town one Friday night, it was quite nostalgic, sat in the 'little' having a pint with a friend but I've been away that long I just didn't know anyone here. There once was a time, where I would finish work on a Friday get changed and head in to town, nothing planned, just head to one of the pubs and see who was out, you'd always find someone you knew and before you knew it it was 11:30 and the landlord was turfing you out. But not now, now I didn't know anyone and to top it off nobody kicked me out, I had to figure out I was drunk and ask myself to leave.

Still it was good to have a few beers with J and talk rubbish and have a laugh.

So, Whats the plan? My plan is to find someone in the town where I work who requires a flat mate then try and save up to get my own place....Simples? Not as it turns out!

I have come across some strange folk renting out rooms I have also come across a couple of nice folk renting out rooms, but you have to have cold hard cash in your hand as your being shown around other wise you miss out, I'm learning this the hard way.

Last Friday I viewed a property, it was a good price, the landlady was a young lass living with her boyfriend, both working full time, she was a student nurse but did other work on top......Hmm that sounded better in my head. she had a couple of other jobs on top of her studies is what I meant. I said I would take it, I informed her that Monday was pay day, so I would meet her on Monday to pay the bond etc. When Monday arrived I called to arrange to meet, then I was told a lady had turned up on the Sunday with cash in hand and taken the room......PANTS!

Still, I'd had a great weekend, two of my amazing friends G&J and their son B had come up from Suffolk for the weekend, so, like old times, we headed into town for a few beers, it was a laugh from start to finish and just what I needed, to finish off the weekend we met up again on the Sunday at the local play park, I had the boy, a few other friend where there, some with their kids. me and G decided it would be fun to have a go on the rip slide, G pushed me so much that when I got to the other end and the sudden stop I flew off the rip slide and landed on my arse. G thought this was very funny, especially as I now had my trousers full of bark. If only you knew the trouble he's got me into over the years and to be honest he's held on to the photo's of my 'stag do' for four and a half years, these might appear at some point in the future unless I can bribe him in some way.

There are new adventures to be had, and I intend on taking as many as I can over the next few years. Life is for living, we are not here to practise. The best part of going out with all the guys at the weekend, was that I was myself, I have not been me for years I forgot how funny I am (wind ya neck in I'm joking)

TTFN

Mike

Reflection turns to Action

In the days, weeks & months following the dawn of my 30th year I reflected on my failings and also my achievements. In June 2011 I did a 4 day diploma course in Neuro-linguistic Programming, it's difficult to explain what it fully is because it covers the human, behaviours, communication etc. the best explanation I have come across is, it's about getting more of what you want, more of the time. I went on the course expecting to learn new skills and understanding of my clients, instead I learnt alot about myself what makes me react in different ways and the skills to react differently so that I can get a better reaction from other people. Following on from the diploma I began the NLP practitioner course in October. one month after turning 30 I was as keen as ever to begin to discover more about this mind I have been wondering around with for 30 years.

I was already contemplating my future at this point, where I was and where I wanted to be were beginning to look like two completely different places. One thing made clear with NLP is that this is my life and it's me who controls it. "possible in the world and possible for me, is only a question of how" Looking back now, it seems the question of what I was going to do was becoming stronger to the point I would have to 'get in lane'

Christmas is a time of year I dread, it's a time for worry, stress, overspending - leading to stress and worry. I could do with out it. Christmas 2011, the stress of Christmas made me forget the pressure I'd put myself under with regards my life in general. I enjoyed the week off work over the festive period but the return to work loomed. As everyone knows, after returning to work you spend a day discussing the fact you ate too much, laughing at the fact you drank too much and ignoring the the more negative staff who fail to find anything better to say than "Well.. that's it now... diet time" as though it's something we all have to endure in January, excuse me luv, I'm 12st wet through and that's after Christmas, if you feel the need to shift the timber go ahead but leave me out of it! The second day you feel as though you have never been off and the diet lady is starting to get on your wick with her hourly updates of her fitness regime. Going off point, I really think there are husbands all over this country and beyond who seek out the present which would annoy his wife's colleagues the most and nothing does it better than a step 'o' meter.....THANKS PAL!

Anyway, I'm going through the motions with work, plodding along with life and this reoccurring thought comes back to me "if it's not working, do something different" I know exactly what it meant to me, but how, would it be social suicide? how would it affect others? could I survive? and do I actually have the courage to make such a bold step?

Mid January, things are not going so well. I arrive home one Wednesday evening about 8pm. I ask my wife where the boy is (16 year old step-son) the response I got both knocked me off my feet and gave me courage at the same time. "he's stopping with his aunt, he does not want to be around you" Ouch! I'd always tried to be the best dad I could be, I'd noticed he'd been in a foul mood, but he's 16, they all look like that.

A new question: How could I now stay and sleep at night knowing I'd pushed a young lad away from his home? the pressing question which had followed me for the last year was answered instantly. For the next two days I went to work as normal I spoke to my dad who invited me to stop at his over the weekend which I did. This is the first time in a long time my dad and I had an in depth personal conversation.

I returned home on the Sunday night (the boys birthday) knowing what I wanted but how do I do it with out hurting her? I suggested we speak tomorrow night, as it was the boys 16th, let him have this day. On Monday, she sits down next to me on the sofa and asks, "whats wrong, is it over"? you'd think she was expecting the answer by asking the question, but the look on her face when I replied "Yes, I think it is!" it was like I had ripped her stomach out.