Turns out folk actually read this guff

I left the last post on a bit of a cliff hanger (Eastender type), since the split I have been living with friends back in my home town. J&M have been fabulous and very supportive, I couldn't begin to thank them enough and I will certainly never forget it (unless I end up with Dementia or get hit over the head or half drown leading to me suffering amnesia) where was I?

So I'm back at my old stomping ground, J and I went into town one Friday night, it was quite nostalgic, sat in the 'little' having a pint with a friend but I've been away that long I just didn't know anyone here. There once was a time, where I would finish work on a Friday get changed and head in to town, nothing planned, just head to one of the pubs and see who was out, you'd always find someone you knew and before you knew it it was 11:30 and the landlord was turfing you out. But not now, now I didn't know anyone and to top it off nobody kicked me out, I had to figure out I was drunk and ask myself to leave.

Still it was good to have a few beers with J and talk rubbish and have a laugh.

So, Whats the plan? My plan is to find someone in the town where I work who requires a flat mate then try and save up to get my own place....Simples? Not as it turns out!

I have come across some strange folk renting out rooms I have also come across a couple of nice folk renting out rooms, but you have to have cold hard cash in your hand as your being shown around other wise you miss out, I'm learning this the hard way.

Last Friday I viewed a property, it was a good price, the landlady was a young lass living with her boyfriend, both working full time, she was a student nurse but did other work on top......Hmm that sounded better in my head. she had a couple of other jobs on top of her studies is what I meant. I said I would take it, I informed her that Monday was pay day, so I would meet her on Monday to pay the bond etc. When Monday arrived I called to arrange to meet, then I was told a lady had turned up on the Sunday with cash in hand and taken the room......PANTS!

Still, I'd had a great weekend, two of my amazing friends G&J and their son B had come up from Suffolk for the weekend, so, like old times, we headed into town for a few beers, it was a laugh from start to finish and just what I needed, to finish off the weekend we met up again on the Sunday at the local play park, I had the boy, a few other friend where there, some with their kids. me and G decided it would be fun to have a go on the rip slide, G pushed me so much that when I got to the other end and the sudden stop I flew off the rip slide and landed on my arse. G thought this was very funny, especially as I now had my trousers full of bark. If only you knew the trouble he's got me into over the years and to be honest he's held on to the photo's of my 'stag do' for four and a half years, these might appear at some point in the future unless I can bribe him in some way.

There are new adventures to be had, and I intend on taking as many as I can over the next few years. Life is for living, we are not here to practise. The best part of going out with all the guys at the weekend, was that I was myself, I have not been me for years I forgot how funny I am (wind ya neck in I'm joking)

TTFN

Mike

Reflection turns to Action

In the days, weeks & months following the dawn of my 30th year I reflected on my failings and also my achievements. In June 2011 I did a 4 day diploma course in Neuro-linguistic Programming, it's difficult to explain what it fully is because it covers the human, behaviours, communication etc. the best explanation I have come across is, it's about getting more of what you want, more of the time. I went on the course expecting to learn new skills and understanding of my clients, instead I learnt alot about myself what makes me react in different ways and the skills to react differently so that I can get a better reaction from other people. Following on from the diploma I began the NLP practitioner course in October. one month after turning 30 I was as keen as ever to begin to discover more about this mind I have been wondering around with for 30 years.

I was already contemplating my future at this point, where I was and where I wanted to be were beginning to look like two completely different places. One thing made clear with NLP is that this is my life and it's me who controls it. "possible in the world and possible for me, is only a question of how" Looking back now, it seems the question of what I was going to do was becoming stronger to the point I would have to 'get in lane'

Christmas is a time of year I dread, it's a time for worry, stress, overspending - leading to stress and worry. I could do with out it. Christmas 2011, the stress of Christmas made me forget the pressure I'd put myself under with regards my life in general. I enjoyed the week off work over the festive period but the return to work loomed. As everyone knows, after returning to work you spend a day discussing the fact you ate too much, laughing at the fact you drank too much and ignoring the the more negative staff who fail to find anything better to say than "Well.. that's it now... diet time" as though it's something we all have to endure in January, excuse me luv, I'm 12st wet through and that's after Christmas, if you feel the need to shift the timber go ahead but leave me out of it! The second day you feel as though you have never been off and the diet lady is starting to get on your wick with her hourly updates of her fitness regime. Going off point, I really think there are husbands all over this country and beyond who seek out the present which would annoy his wife's colleagues the most and nothing does it better than a step 'o' meter.....THANKS PAL!

Anyway, I'm going through the motions with work, plodding along with life and this reoccurring thought comes back to me "if it's not working, do something different" I know exactly what it meant to me, but how, would it be social suicide? how would it affect others? could I survive? and do I actually have the courage to make such a bold step?

Mid January, things are not going so well. I arrive home one Wednesday evening about 8pm. I ask my wife where the boy is (16 year old step-son) the response I got both knocked me off my feet and gave me courage at the same time. "he's stopping with his aunt, he does not want to be around you" Ouch! I'd always tried to be the best dad I could be, I'd noticed he'd been in a foul mood, but he's 16, they all look like that.

A new question: How could I now stay and sleep at night knowing I'd pushed a young lad away from his home? the pressing question which had followed me for the last year was answered instantly. For the next two days I went to work as normal I spoke to my dad who invited me to stop at his over the weekend which I did. This is the first time in a long time my dad and I had an in depth personal conversation.

I returned home on the Sunday night (the boys birthday) knowing what I wanted but how do I do it with out hurting her? I suggested we speak tomorrow night, as it was the boys 16th, let him have this day. On Monday, she sits down next to me on the sofa and asks, "whats wrong, is it over"? you'd think she was expecting the answer by asking the question, but the look on her face when I replied "Yes, I think it is!" it was like I had ripped her stomach out.





Turning 30?

Good evening folks,

So.... 30! 3....0, 30! hit me like a friken brick thrown randomly in my general direction whilst I wasn't looking.

I turned 29.1 in September 2011. I informed family and a couple of friends that I had no plans to celebrate nor did I have any intention to do so. Its not like its an achievement, many have got here before me and many more will follow, in fact I believe many already have.

If you get a promotion at work or win an award, or have a child, get married or find a cure for a seemingly incurable illness which the NICE (National Institute for Clinical Excellence) guidelines approve these are achievements. turning 30? reaching 30? don't get me wrong if your 12 and working down the pit with a horse and cart reaching 30 might be an achievement especially if the NICE people have granted you permission to take the medication you need to breath or stand up straight. 30 wasn't an achievement for me.
Something about me, I'm a reflector, not one of those shiny things you put on your bike, by way of thinking, I reflect. I quite like this part of my personality especially as I tend to screw up on the odd occasion.
So I spent some time over the last few months (4 to be precise) thinking about why I felt this way. basically, I haven't achieved my goals! in my early 20s I had set my self a couple of goals 1. to be or have at least experienced a managerial role 2. to be earning £30k a year. This was achievable I could do this!
In the years that followed, I pushed myself, I pushed myself to be the most professional I could be, the best that I could be, to show the world what I could do.
When I set my financial goal I was earning in the region of £10k a year. at one point I counted having 7, yep seven different jobs and yep I was earning £10k. That was in 2005 by the end of 2008 my wage had increased by 120% and was well on my way to achieving my aim.
The trouble is you can only sustain that for so long, at some point you have to focus on the now rather than the future. I've been looking too far ahead for too long, turning 30 meant it was time to take a breather and let me catch up with myself. my vision had been fixed firmly ahead of me and when I stopped and looked around at what I had collected on the way I wasn't sure why? Think back to forrest gump (the most random film I have ever seen), picture the scene, he'd been running for years, one day he just stopped the look on his face when he sees all the people behind him and calmly said, "I think I'll go home now" thats how I felt turning 30.

My life is going through some massive changes in the time that I write this, I want to write it down for many reasons, as some kind of release, to hear what my thoughts sound like, to see if I still agree with them once I hear them and maybe someone reading it may get some benefit out of it, like learning not to rely on spell checker too heavily!
The changes going on are of my own doing, they are my choices, right now I believe the changes began when I turned 30 but will I still hold that belief once my new life is created and I'm reflecting on what I'm doing now?

It's been a while since my last confession....

Afternoon all!

Usually when I 'blog' I have something specific to say or to rant about or occasionally I have had an experience to share......... Sadly not this time.

Work has gone a little mad...in a good way! lots to do, referrals comming in from all over the place and best of all, the reason i love my work, the young folk are having success.

My young people are awakening..let me explain.

Humans remain in a sleepy state for the first 14 years of their life, plodding on with THEIR life, suddenly they hit 14/15 years old and they wake up, they begin to notice the world around them. at this point in their life, they notice injustice, struggle and begin to understand the difficulties of living in our world. This is a huge pill to swallow for young people.

It is important/vital that any young person has support through this awakening.
though it is not all bad. This is the beginning of adult hood, their experience during this time will be the creating of their map of this world. THE MAP IS NOT THE TERRITORY! we all live in the same world but we all have a different map of it.

I really am quite tired now.

TTFN

Music Therapy Meme

OK, So my sister has 'tagged' me to this Meme (I'm not sure what Meme stands for) so I feel inclined to play along.





Music has played a part in my life. music was an emotional tool I used to to chill out, to motivate me, to change negative energy into a positive.





So from what I've read I have to pick 3 Bands 3 Lyrics and 3 Songs which move me.....





I cannot pick 3 bands but 3 albums.





1, Oasis Definitely Maybe - they had my focus throughout my teens, their albums had every thing, they could rock it up (Cigarettes & Alcohol) when I needed or the mood took me but they could also lay it down, tell it like it is (slide away) but best of all some of the songs tell random stories just for a laugh (Digsy's Dinner)





2, Red Hot Chilly Peppers - By The Way. the best album I have ever purchased. It has every thing, just like Definitely Maybe, it has the uplifting track like Zephyr Song which starts with the line 'Can I get your hand to bite on'.


There are also the Ballads, the declaration of love a way which only the chilly peppers could do it. I Could Die For You - 'What I really want to do is turn it in to motion beauty that I can abuse'. But the song from the album which I keep going back to time and time again is quite sedate. I'm not even sure what the song refers to but it mellows my mood, "the Californian sky's got room to spare, This is my time, this is my tear" Next time you pick up this album skip to track 12 - Tear, sit back, close your eyes and drift away!





Finally Album Number 3....


there are so many I could choose and on another day I might have taken a different view my 3rd and final album would have to be Newton Faulkner's Hand Built By Robots.


For me it is the best chill out album, for some it could seem a tad depressing - "I need something to believe in cos I don't believe in myself" but as the 3rd track on the album strolls on it uplifts for me Newton is putting out there what he wants rather than the things he wants to avoid.


The track on the album which scream out to me is 'Uncomfortably Slow' for me its about being alone when no-one else understands were your at or what you need to move on. There are a few lyrics in this song I can relate to, "don't take my photograph, Cos I don't wanna know how it looks to feel like this" and I'm holding up the cue because my ticket wont go through, I know it should be simple but it's not"


Listening to this album is like watching the singer go through every emotion available..





"I brace myself to hear the lies I wonder if they know that I don't get the jokes, but I just need to laugh"





The song is about him realising that things need to change but despite this he realises that he is moving forward just very slowly.





There are more joy full songs like 'People Should Smile More' just Newton the sun shining and his guitar the perfect summer chill out track.





and finally the track that sums up my life would be Ageing Superhero. "The ageing superhero in me is tired, because he's lived too fast for too long and he still longs to be inspired"





Perfect.

I Believe in ME

The last few months have been a journey, an experience to say the least. I dont believe there is such a thing as a 'bad experience' as long as you can learn from it and move forwards.

Since I can remember I have wanted to be sucessfull in what ever it was I was doing, my problem up untill I was in my early 20's was that I didn't have a clue what I could do.

I found my career in substance misuse, after 18 months of supporting prescribing clinics and being a dogs body I up't and left for Peterlee. What a learning experience that was. I pushed my self and pushed myself, but it wasn't for me, I wasn't being successful. after two years I got my current job working with under 18s with drug/ alcohol issues.

Suddenly I was being successfull, I was working, the harder I worked the greater the success I felt.

I feel this way again, I have the hunger to be the best I can be and the best thing is I believe I can do it!

Confidence + Belief = Success

Happyness is - moving forward!!!!!

OK, if you have read my last two blog entries, which wallowed in self pity you'll have an idea of where I have been over the last few months.

I cannot say too much at this stage about my plans or what I feel is needed for me to move forward not that it's a big secret, but there are other people who need to hear my plans from me first, out of my respect for them it must stay under wraps for now.

My life is by no means back on track and my plans may not work, but the fact that I have begun to put change into action means I am moving forward whereas before I was dwelling on the cloud that surrounded me.

"if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got"

this is a powerful statement, powerful because when the cloud descends around you and you cannot see the wood for the trees it encourages you to change not in a massive way but just to try another way. change one thing - anything, it might be the simplest of change, language, tone of voice, asking for help or ideas.

It might all go 'Pete tong' but I'm trying, I have an 'aim' and that creates a pathway, "A way forward"

I'll keep you posted
Mike