Unhappyness

Hello again.

I have been on a downward spiral for a while now, if I'm honest probably since November 2010, though I did not realise where I was heading.

Over the last six months I have been feeling lethargic, I put this down to smoking, so I prepared my self and quit. but still the lethargy remained. though I'm sure smoking didn't help.

I continued to push my self at work and was becoming increasinly disheartend. it got to the point where I am no longer sure if its my lack of motivation making me lethargic or my lethargy taking my motivation.

During a recent family holiday I spent two days sleeping. I would get up for breakfast feeling fine and by the time I had eaten I was ready to sleep. This time I put it down to sun stroke and it probably played a part. My wife urged me to see a doctor when we got home which was met with the usual response "oh don't be daft'.

Well we got home and I continued to feel lethargic and de-motivated. I swollowed my pride and booked in to see the Doctor, by this time I had an idea what he was going to say.

I saw a student doctor and explained what I was feeling, he sat back in his chair and said "erm" he said this quite a bit. I could see he felt uncomfortable so I suggested it could be my blood pressure tablets, he had a flick through the BNF (bible for doctors) suprisingly he never gave me an answer to that. Instead, he sat back in is chair and said "erm".

Due to my job, I'm pretty good at leaving in the silences, so I waited for him to fill the space.

"erm, do you, erm, think....erm, your depressed?"

I thought, "thanks pal, put it back on to me!"

at this point i was feeling a little sorry for him, he had remained professional in a situation he felt uncomfortable in. So I gave in and replied "yes"

Doctor: and would erm.. you... like some....erm....medication for that?

Me: No! I have trouble remembering my blood pressure tablet every day at the same time I don't want any more.

So here we are, waiting for an appointment to see a councelling service, booked in to get my Thyroid checked.

One thing which crossed my mind as I left the surgery was a gag, a joke, an anecdote which I could add to the other rubbish I have been trying to write.

Doctor: You have depreesion

Patient: I'm not sure I'm happy about that.

I'm in a little limbo land at the moment, due to lack of friends I have decided to write about it. I don't want my parents to fuss, it wouldn't help anyone. I also don't feel like i can talk to my wife about it, this sound harsh, but it's how I feel. so by default yours is the shoulder I'm crying on.

Keep you posted! *

*As I wrote that last paragraph I recieved a phone call from my best friend to say he was back in the uk and is comming to see me, I've not seen him in nearly 4 years when he left to live in New Zealand.