It's been a while since my last confession....

Afternoon all!

Usually when I 'blog' I have something specific to say or to rant about or occasionally I have had an experience to share......... Sadly not this time.

Work has gone a little mad...in a good way! lots to do, referrals comming in from all over the place and best of all, the reason i love my work, the young folk are having success.

My young people are awakening..let me explain.

Humans remain in a sleepy state for the first 14 years of their life, plodding on with THEIR life, suddenly they hit 14/15 years old and they wake up, they begin to notice the world around them. at this point in their life, they notice injustice, struggle and begin to understand the difficulties of living in our world. This is a huge pill to swallow for young people.

It is important/vital that any young person has support through this awakening.
though it is not all bad. This is the beginning of adult hood, their experience during this time will be the creating of their map of this world. THE MAP IS NOT THE TERRITORY! we all live in the same world but we all have a different map of it.

I really am quite tired now.

TTFN

Music Therapy Meme

OK, So my sister has 'tagged' me to this Meme (I'm not sure what Meme stands for) so I feel inclined to play along.





Music has played a part in my life. music was an emotional tool I used to to chill out, to motivate me, to change negative energy into a positive.





So from what I've read I have to pick 3 Bands 3 Lyrics and 3 Songs which move me.....





I cannot pick 3 bands but 3 albums.





1, Oasis Definitely Maybe - they had my focus throughout my teens, their albums had every thing, they could rock it up (Cigarettes & Alcohol) when I needed or the mood took me but they could also lay it down, tell it like it is (slide away) but best of all some of the songs tell random stories just for a laugh (Digsy's Dinner)





2, Red Hot Chilly Peppers - By The Way. the best album I have ever purchased. It has every thing, just like Definitely Maybe, it has the uplifting track like Zephyr Song which starts with the line 'Can I get your hand to bite on'.


There are also the Ballads, the declaration of love a way which only the chilly peppers could do it. I Could Die For You - 'What I really want to do is turn it in to motion beauty that I can abuse'. But the song from the album which I keep going back to time and time again is quite sedate. I'm not even sure what the song refers to but it mellows my mood, "the Californian sky's got room to spare, This is my time, this is my tear" Next time you pick up this album skip to track 12 - Tear, sit back, close your eyes and drift away!





Finally Album Number 3....


there are so many I could choose and on another day I might have taken a different view my 3rd and final album would have to be Newton Faulkner's Hand Built By Robots.


For me it is the best chill out album, for some it could seem a tad depressing - "I need something to believe in cos I don't believe in myself" but as the 3rd track on the album strolls on it uplifts for me Newton is putting out there what he wants rather than the things he wants to avoid.


The track on the album which scream out to me is 'Uncomfortably Slow' for me its about being alone when no-one else understands were your at or what you need to move on. There are a few lyrics in this song I can relate to, "don't take my photograph, Cos I don't wanna know how it looks to feel like this" and I'm holding up the cue because my ticket wont go through, I know it should be simple but it's not"


Listening to this album is like watching the singer go through every emotion available..





"I brace myself to hear the lies I wonder if they know that I don't get the jokes, but I just need to laugh"





The song is about him realising that things need to change but despite this he realises that he is moving forward just very slowly.





There are more joy full songs like 'People Should Smile More' just Newton the sun shining and his guitar the perfect summer chill out track.





and finally the track that sums up my life would be Ageing Superhero. "The ageing superhero in me is tired, because he's lived too fast for too long and he still longs to be inspired"





Perfect.

I Believe in ME

The last few months have been a journey, an experience to say the least. I dont believe there is such a thing as a 'bad experience' as long as you can learn from it and move forwards.

Since I can remember I have wanted to be sucessfull in what ever it was I was doing, my problem up untill I was in my early 20's was that I didn't have a clue what I could do.

I found my career in substance misuse, after 18 months of supporting prescribing clinics and being a dogs body I up't and left for Peterlee. What a learning experience that was. I pushed my self and pushed myself, but it wasn't for me, I wasn't being successful. after two years I got my current job working with under 18s with drug/ alcohol issues.

Suddenly I was being successfull, I was working, the harder I worked the greater the success I felt.

I feel this way again, I have the hunger to be the best I can be and the best thing is I believe I can do it!

Confidence + Belief = Success

Happyness is - moving forward!!!!!

OK, if you have read my last two blog entries, which wallowed in self pity you'll have an idea of where I have been over the last few months.

I cannot say too much at this stage about my plans or what I feel is needed for me to move forward not that it's a big secret, but there are other people who need to hear my plans from me first, out of my respect for them it must stay under wraps for now.

My life is by no means back on track and my plans may not work, but the fact that I have begun to put change into action means I am moving forward whereas before I was dwelling on the cloud that surrounded me.

"if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got"

this is a powerful statement, powerful because when the cloud descends around you and you cannot see the wood for the trees it encourages you to change not in a massive way but just to try another way. change one thing - anything, it might be the simplest of change, language, tone of voice, asking for help or ideas.

It might all go 'Pete tong' but I'm trying, I have an 'aim' and that creates a pathway, "A way forward"

I'll keep you posted
Mike

Unhappyness #2

I have spent a week thinking, not in a feel sorry for yourself way, but in a forward way. granted my head is in a bit of a state at the moment so I need to do a clear out.

My thought process this morning was:

I will get up for work (as normal) because I dont want to be at home

I dont want to be at work

I dont want to speak to Jen (my long suffering wife) but she has the bank card and I need petrol to get to the job I dont want to go to in the car that I hate driving.

My thoughts now after a few hours thinking:

I dont want to be at work because I dont believe in my ability to do the job well (this may sound negative but its actually a positive)

I recognise that the issue with work at the moment is belief, my belief, this is some thing I can work on.

I dont want to be at home because my wife worries constantly about every thing and I don't have the energy to deal with her worry or to respond to it. Which is why I felt I could not speak to her this morning.

Her worry is not mine to deal with though I feel as a husband it is my job to find solutions to her worry? in actual fact that job is impossible. only she can do that for herself.

As I was forcing myself to work, I decided to try to fill my diary with as many clients as I could so that next week I am kept busy in the hope that it would be a better week, I noticed that we are upon a bank holiday. I feel good about this, though I'm not sure why, I'm rolling with it.

Before I go, Last night when I got home, there was a message to call the doctors. I thought it would be regarding my councelling appointment? No! the 'erm' doctor had not written down my blood pressure reading when I was there on Tuesday and as I'd been avoiding going in to have it taken for the past 3 months they called to ask me to go in. I kindly offered to take my BP and give her the results over the phone but she refused as I'm not medically trained! Then, as I'm feeling slightly annoyed by the situation and that I have been somehow 'tricked' into going for my blood pressure taken the woman on the phone did the most annoying thing anyone on a phone can do to an adjitated person, she spoke softly and nicely!

"would you mind comming in and having it taken by our nurse Mr Benson?"

"No, Not at all, can we make it a morning appointment?" I replied

Grrrr!

Now that is training for you! I teach my clients to do the same thing! conned by my own work! it was like being shot with my own gun!

TTFN

Unhappyness

Hello again.

I have been on a downward spiral for a while now, if I'm honest probably since November 2010, though I did not realise where I was heading.

Over the last six months I have been feeling lethargic, I put this down to smoking, so I prepared my self and quit. but still the lethargy remained. though I'm sure smoking didn't help.

I continued to push my self at work and was becoming increasinly disheartend. it got to the point where I am no longer sure if its my lack of motivation making me lethargic or my lethargy taking my motivation.

During a recent family holiday I spent two days sleeping. I would get up for breakfast feeling fine and by the time I had eaten I was ready to sleep. This time I put it down to sun stroke and it probably played a part. My wife urged me to see a doctor when we got home which was met with the usual response "oh don't be daft'.

Well we got home and I continued to feel lethargic and de-motivated. I swollowed my pride and booked in to see the Doctor, by this time I had an idea what he was going to say.

I saw a student doctor and explained what I was feeling, he sat back in his chair and said "erm" he said this quite a bit. I could see he felt uncomfortable so I suggested it could be my blood pressure tablets, he had a flick through the BNF (bible for doctors) suprisingly he never gave me an answer to that. Instead, he sat back in is chair and said "erm".

Due to my job, I'm pretty good at leaving in the silences, so I waited for him to fill the space.

"erm, do you, erm, think....erm, your depressed?"

I thought, "thanks pal, put it back on to me!"

at this point i was feeling a little sorry for him, he had remained professional in a situation he felt uncomfortable in. So I gave in and replied "yes"

Doctor: and would erm.. you... like some....erm....medication for that?

Me: No! I have trouble remembering my blood pressure tablet every day at the same time I don't want any more.

So here we are, waiting for an appointment to see a councelling service, booked in to get my Thyroid checked.

One thing which crossed my mind as I left the surgery was a gag, a joke, an anecdote which I could add to the other rubbish I have been trying to write.

Doctor: You have depreesion

Patient: I'm not sure I'm happy about that.

I'm in a little limbo land at the moment, due to lack of friends I have decided to write about it. I don't want my parents to fuss, it wouldn't help anyone. I also don't feel like i can talk to my wife about it, this sound harsh, but it's how I feel. so by default yours is the shoulder I'm crying on.

Keep you posted! *

*As I wrote that last paragraph I recieved a phone call from my best friend to say he was back in the uk and is comming to see me, I've not seen him in nearly 4 years when he left to live in New Zealand.