New Life Update

So after leaving the current Mrs B and all I know that is comfortable, I honestly believed within a week or so I would have got a room in Harrogate to rent and begun to feel settled. It's now March 2012 and I'm still in Thirsk, not that this is a bad thing, I enjoy being with M&J they are a lovely couple and we have shared plenty of laughs I've even been able to witness some of their laughs. I feel very privileged and honoured that these are my friends.
Can I just say, that for me, the hardest part of making this change is knowing I've upset someone, that there is someone or two people in particular that have been affected by by decision. I only hope one day they too can experience the benefit of what I have decided.
I contacted K one of the above mentioned people, I wanted him to know that I am still here if he needs me. His response was very mature and polite, he kindly refused, I replied to say that I respected his decision but that the offer would always be there. you see it's not a 'response' I was after, I was offering him something, something without limits or agenda, that offer is still there.
At this point it was clear to me I had to give him complete distance, if he needs me he'll find me and I'll look forward to that time.

My aim is still to move to Harrogate and hopefully before the end of March, though I have doubts this will happen. What has happened though and one of the reasons I made such a change in my life, I am coming across more and more opportunities. I qualify as an NLP Practitioner next month, there is an opportunity for me to go on and complete the Masters, if I had not made the change that option would have come with so much conflict. other opportunities? Well, My cousin Katie gets married next year, had I not changed I would have had to wait until the last minute to say whether or not I would be there, but today I sent a message to say I will be there! this is a tiny, tiny thing but I appreciate it much more because of my experience over the last 4 1/2 years. Who knows, by then there might be a plus 1?
Over the last few weeks I have given this a little thought though not much....Honest! Friend have asked me what is my 'type'? to be completely honest..I don't know. I can honestly say that right now, I know what they mean by saying "Looks aren't every thing" Someone who will encourage me to take the risk when there are benefits to be had, for this to happen this 'someone' would have to believe in me. At the same time someone who will rope me back in when I get carried away. Laughter, now this is vital! Sometimes the sick ironies in this world make me laugh then the fact that others are too cowardice to laugh at them makes me laugh even more so someone who knows what makes me smile and not judge me on the things I laugh at but judges me on what I DO! This is far to open to describe any one I know at present specifically but I'm not ruling anyone out either. To be..again...honest, the thought of relationships at the moment tires me, the last 4+ years have exhausted me. Right now, I just want to be amongst friends.

Night all

Mike

Turning 30?

Good evening folks,

So.... 30! 3....0, 30! hit me like a friken brick thrown randomly in my general direction whilst I wasn't looking.

I turned 29.1 in September 2011. I informed family and a couple of friends that I had no plans to celebrate nor did I have any intention to do so. Its not like its an achievement, many have got here before me and many more will follow, in fact I believe many already have.

If you get a promotion at work or win an award, or have a child, get married or find a cure for a seemingly incurable illness which the NICE (National Institute for Clinical Excellence) guidelines approve these are achievements. turning 30? reaching 30? don't get me wrong if your 12 and working down the pit with a horse and cart reaching 30 might be an achievement especially if the NICE people have granted you permission to take the medication you need to breath or stand up straight. 30 wasn't an achievement for me.
Something about me, I'm a reflector, not one of those shiny things you put on your bike, by way of thinking, I reflect. I quite like this part of my personality especially as I tend to screw up on the odd occasion.
So I spent some time over the last few months (4 to be precise) thinking about why I felt this way. basically, I haven't achieved my goals! in my early 20s I had set my self a couple of goals 1. to be or have at least experienced a managerial role 2. to be earning £30k a year. This was achievable I could do this!
In the years that followed, I pushed myself, I pushed myself to be the most professional I could be, the best that I could be, to show the world what I could do.
When I set my financial goal I was earning in the region of £10k a year. at one point I counted having 7, yep seven different jobs and yep I was earning £10k. That was in 2005 by the end of 2008 my wage had increased by 120% and was well on my way to achieving my aim.
The trouble is you can only sustain that for so long, at some point you have to focus on the now rather than the future. I've been looking too far ahead for too long, turning 30 meant it was time to take a breather and let me catch up with myself. my vision had been fixed firmly ahead of me and when I stopped and looked around at what I had collected on the way I wasn't sure why? Think back to forrest gump (the most random film I have ever seen), picture the scene, he'd been running for years, one day he just stopped the look on his face when he sees all the people behind him and calmly said, "I think I'll go home now" thats how I felt turning 30.

My life is going through some massive changes in the time that I write this, I want to write it down for many reasons, as some kind of release, to hear what my thoughts sound like, to see if I still agree with them once I hear them and maybe someone reading it may get some benefit out of it, like learning not to rely on spell checker too heavily!
The changes going on are of my own doing, they are my choices, right now I believe the changes began when I turned 30 but will I still hold that belief once my new life is created and I'm reflecting on what I'm doing now?

Unhappyness #2

I have spent a week thinking, not in a feel sorry for yourself way, but in a forward way. granted my head is in a bit of a state at the moment so I need to do a clear out.

My thought process this morning was:

I will get up for work (as normal) because I dont want to be at home

I dont want to be at work

I dont want to speak to Jen (my long suffering wife) but she has the bank card and I need petrol to get to the job I dont want to go to in the car that I hate driving.

My thoughts now after a few hours thinking:

I dont want to be at work because I dont believe in my ability to do the job well (this may sound negative but its actually a positive)

I recognise that the issue with work at the moment is belief, my belief, this is some thing I can work on.

I dont want to be at home because my wife worries constantly about every thing and I don't have the energy to deal with her worry or to respond to it. Which is why I felt I could not speak to her this morning.

Her worry is not mine to deal with though I feel as a husband it is my job to find solutions to her worry? in actual fact that job is impossible. only she can do that for herself.

As I was forcing myself to work, I decided to try to fill my diary with as many clients as I could so that next week I am kept busy in the hope that it would be a better week, I noticed that we are upon a bank holiday. I feel good about this, though I'm not sure why, I'm rolling with it.

Before I go, Last night when I got home, there was a message to call the doctors. I thought it would be regarding my councelling appointment? No! the 'erm' doctor had not written down my blood pressure reading when I was there on Tuesday and as I'd been avoiding going in to have it taken for the past 3 months they called to ask me to go in. I kindly offered to take my BP and give her the results over the phone but she refused as I'm not medically trained! Then, as I'm feeling slightly annoyed by the situation and that I have been somehow 'tricked' into going for my blood pressure taken the woman on the phone did the most annoying thing anyone on a phone can do to an adjitated person, she spoke softly and nicely!

"would you mind comming in and having it taken by our nurse Mr Benson?"

"No, Not at all, can we make it a morning appointment?" I replied

Grrrr!

Now that is training for you! I teach my clients to do the same thing! conned by my own work! it was like being shot with my own gun!

TTFN

Unhappyness

Hello again.

I have been on a downward spiral for a while now, if I'm honest probably since November 2010, though I did not realise where I was heading.

Over the last six months I have been feeling lethargic, I put this down to smoking, so I prepared my self and quit. but still the lethargy remained. though I'm sure smoking didn't help.

I continued to push my self at work and was becoming increasinly disheartend. it got to the point where I am no longer sure if its my lack of motivation making me lethargic or my lethargy taking my motivation.

During a recent family holiday I spent two days sleeping. I would get up for breakfast feeling fine and by the time I had eaten I was ready to sleep. This time I put it down to sun stroke and it probably played a part. My wife urged me to see a doctor when we got home which was met with the usual response "oh don't be daft'.

Well we got home and I continued to feel lethargic and de-motivated. I swollowed my pride and booked in to see the Doctor, by this time I had an idea what he was going to say.

I saw a student doctor and explained what I was feeling, he sat back in his chair and said "erm" he said this quite a bit. I could see he felt uncomfortable so I suggested it could be my blood pressure tablets, he had a flick through the BNF (bible for doctors) suprisingly he never gave me an answer to that. Instead, he sat back in is chair and said "erm".

Due to my job, I'm pretty good at leaving in the silences, so I waited for him to fill the space.

"erm, do you, erm, think....erm, your depressed?"

I thought, "thanks pal, put it back on to me!"

at this point i was feeling a little sorry for him, he had remained professional in a situation he felt uncomfortable in. So I gave in and replied "yes"

Doctor: and would erm.. you... like some....erm....medication for that?

Me: No! I have trouble remembering my blood pressure tablet every day at the same time I don't want any more.

So here we are, waiting for an appointment to see a councelling service, booked in to get my Thyroid checked.

One thing which crossed my mind as I left the surgery was a gag, a joke, an anecdote which I could add to the other rubbish I have been trying to write.

Doctor: You have depreesion

Patient: I'm not sure I'm happy about that.

I'm in a little limbo land at the moment, due to lack of friends I have decided to write about it. I don't want my parents to fuss, it wouldn't help anyone. I also don't feel like i can talk to my wife about it, this sound harsh, but it's how I feel. so by default yours is the shoulder I'm crying on.

Keep you posted! *

*As I wrote that last paragraph I recieved a phone call from my best friend to say he was back in the uk and is comming to see me, I've not seen him in nearly 4 years when he left to live in New Zealand.