The last few months have been a journey, an experience to say the least. I dont believe there is such a thing as a 'bad experience' as long as you can learn from it and move forwards.
Since I can remember I have wanted to be sucessfull in what ever it was I was doing, my problem up untill I was in my early 20's was that I didn't have a clue what I could do.
I found my career in substance misuse, after 18 months of supporting prescribing clinics and being a dogs body I up't and left for Peterlee. What a learning experience that was. I pushed my self and pushed myself, but it wasn't for me, I wasn't being successful. after two years I got my current job working with under 18s with drug/ alcohol issues.
Suddenly I was being successfull, I was working, the harder I worked the greater the success I felt.
I feel this way again, I have the hunger to be the best I can be and the best thing is I believe I can do it!
Confidence + Belief = Success
Friday, 30 September 2011
Friday, 16 September 2011
Happyness is - moving forward!!!!!
OK, if you have read my last two blog entries, which wallowed in self pity you'll have an idea of where I have been over the last few months.
I cannot say too much at this stage about my plans or what I feel is needed for me to move forward not that it's a big secret, but there are other people who need to hear my plans from me first, out of my respect for them it must stay under wraps for now.
My life is by no means back on track and my plans may not work, but the fact that I have begun to put change into action means I am moving forward whereas before I was dwelling on the cloud that surrounded me.
"if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got"
this is a powerful statement, powerful because when the cloud descends around you and you cannot see the wood for the trees it encourages you to change not in a massive way but just to try another way. change one thing - anything, it might be the simplest of change, language, tone of voice, asking for help or ideas.
It might all go 'Pete tong' but I'm trying, I have an 'aim' and that creates a pathway, "A way forward"
I'll keep you posted
Mike
I cannot say too much at this stage about my plans or what I feel is needed for me to move forward not that it's a big secret, but there are other people who need to hear my plans from me first, out of my respect for them it must stay under wraps for now.
My life is by no means back on track and my plans may not work, but the fact that I have begun to put change into action means I am moving forward whereas before I was dwelling on the cloud that surrounded me.
"if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got"
this is a powerful statement, powerful because when the cloud descends around you and you cannot see the wood for the trees it encourages you to change not in a massive way but just to try another way. change one thing - anything, it might be the simplest of change, language, tone of voice, asking for help or ideas.
It might all go 'Pete tong' but I'm trying, I have an 'aim' and that creates a pathway, "A way forward"
I'll keep you posted
Mike
Friday, 26 August 2011
Unhappyness #2
I have spent a week thinking, not in a feel sorry for yourself way, but in a forward way. granted my head is in a bit of a state at the moment so I need to do a clear out.
My thought process this morning was:
I will get up for work (as normal) because I dont want to be at home
I dont want to be at work
I dont want to speak to Jen (my long suffering wife) but she has the bank card and I need petrol to get to the job I dont want to go to in the car that I hate driving.
My thoughts now after a few hours thinking:
I dont want to be at work because I dont believe in my ability to do the job well (this may sound negative but its actually a positive)
I recognise that the issue with work at the moment is belief, my belief, this is some thing I can work on.
I dont want to be at home because my wife worries constantly about every thing and I don't have the energy to deal with her worry or to respond to it. Which is why I felt I could not speak to her this morning.
Her worry is not mine to deal with though I feel as a husband it is my job to find solutions to her worry? in actual fact that job is impossible. only she can do that for herself.
As I was forcing myself to work, I decided to try to fill my diary with as many clients as I could so that next week I am kept busy in the hope that it would be a better week, I noticed that we are upon a bank holiday. I feel good about this, though I'm not sure why, I'm rolling with it.
Before I go, Last night when I got home, there was a message to call the doctors. I thought it would be regarding my councelling appointment? No! the 'erm' doctor had not written down my blood pressure reading when I was there on Tuesday and as I'd been avoiding going in to have it taken for the past 3 months they called to ask me to go in. I kindly offered to take my BP and give her the results over the phone but she refused as I'm not medically trained! Then, as I'm feeling slightly annoyed by the situation and that I have been somehow 'tricked' into going for my blood pressure taken the woman on the phone did the most annoying thing anyone on a phone can do to an adjitated person, she spoke softly and nicely!
"would you mind comming in and having it taken by our nurse Mr Benson?"
"No, Not at all, can we make it a morning appointment?" I replied
Grrrr!
Now that is training for you! I teach my clients to do the same thing! conned by my own work! it was like being shot with my own gun!
TTFN
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Unhappyness
Hello again.
I have been on a downward spiral for a while now, if I'm honest probably since November 2010, though I did not realise where I was heading.
Over the last six months I have been feeling lethargic, I put this down to smoking, so I prepared my self and quit. but still the lethargy remained. though I'm sure smoking didn't help.
I continued to push my self at work and was becoming increasinly disheartend. it got to the point where I am no longer sure if its my lack of motivation making me lethargic or my lethargy taking my motivation.
During a recent family holiday I spent two days sleeping. I would get up for breakfast feeling fine and by the time I had eaten I was ready to sleep. This time I put it down to sun stroke and it probably played a part. My wife urged me to see a doctor when we got home which was met with the usual response "oh don't be daft'.
Well we got home and I continued to feel lethargic and de-motivated. I swollowed my pride and booked in to see the Doctor, by this time I had an idea what he was going to say.
I saw a student doctor and explained what I was feeling, he sat back in his chair and said "erm" he said this quite a bit. I could see he felt uncomfortable so I suggested it could be my blood pressure tablets, he had a flick through the BNF (bible for doctors) suprisingly he never gave me an answer to that. Instead, he sat back in is chair and said "erm".
Due to my job, I'm pretty good at leaving in the silences, so I waited for him to fill the space.
"erm, do you, erm, think....erm, your depressed?"
I thought, "thanks pal, put it back on to me!"
at this point i was feeling a little sorry for him, he had remained professional in a situation he felt uncomfortable in. So I gave in and replied "yes"
Doctor: and would erm.. you... like some....erm....medication for that?
Me: No! I have trouble remembering my blood pressure tablet every day at the same time I don't want any more.
So here we are, waiting for an appointment to see a councelling service, booked in to get my Thyroid checked.
One thing which crossed my mind as I left the surgery was a gag, a joke, an anecdote which I could add to the other rubbish I have been trying to write.
Doctor: You have depreesion
Patient: I'm not sure I'm happy about that.
I'm in a little limbo land at the moment, due to lack of friends I have decided to write about it. I don't want my parents to fuss, it wouldn't help anyone. I also don't feel like i can talk to my wife about it, this sound harsh, but it's how I feel. so by default yours is the shoulder I'm crying on.
Keep you posted! *
*As I wrote that last paragraph I recieved a phone call from my best friend to say he was back in the uk and is comming to see me, I've not seen him in nearly 4 years when he left to live in New Zealand.
Thursday, 11 November 2010
Would Legalising Drugs Make A Better World?
Why are some drugs illegal?
The only answers I can find, suggest, that some drugs/substances are illegal due to the harm they cause. Is this really a good reason to criminalise people, stigmatise people? Looking at the wider picture, I can see harm is not just directed at the user but their family, friends and society.
The family and friends suffer due to the lies, stealing, possible violence, ill health and also the stigma. could legalisation change these, if it was done properly?
Society suffers the harm from the violence, crime and stigma. Could/would this change if these substances were legalised properly?
What do I mean by 'Properly'? Well, I'm not that naive, that I would suggest Mr Cameron or future prime ministers suddenly declared that users no longer faced prosecution if they were to use 'drugs'. But what if, trained pharmacies/services were to provide safe areas/places where people could use their substances? Licensed premises where such substances could be purchased and consumed? Does this sound familiar? They could be called a 'Public House'? Though I presume that during the passage of time this may be abbreviated or shortened so that it rolls of the tongue a little easier.
I'm getting ahead of my self a little. lets take it back a touch. Imagine, instead of the British tax payer funding 'treatment' in the way of alternative substances, which are then controlled by pharmacies, GP prescribing, accompanied by support services and therapies. The substances are purchased, as they are currently albeit illegally. Would it be to much to imagine that the government could then tax the product?
The global drug trade is estimated to be worth $320 billion of which the illegal or 'black market' accounts for 8% about $256,000,000 (Math is not a strong point).
Would the British government not like a piece of that? especially in the current climate.
You might think that the slice Britain would get, would not be worth the harm, destruction and crime that legalising drugs would bring. Hang on a moment, under the current system the government gains nothing from the illegal drug trade but yet has to pay for 'treatment'. Although I cannot find the full figure, it is estimated that the NHS side alone costs £160 million per year! I don't work for the NHS, so I'm guessing that this figure is only a part of the overall cost. Drugs are Illegal but they are still widely used and probably used somewhere near you.
The system is not working, the previous governments over the last 30+ years have not tried to 'Tackle Drugs' or 'Change Lives' but brush an issue which affects millions under the carpet by throwing money at it, hand over fist, cripple people with convictions because they wanted to put something in their body which other people dislike. people still use drugs and I believe that the issue is too big and far to scary for these "leaders" of our country to handle. they do not have the wisdom or strength to see they have been doing things backwards.
Yes, drug use may increase, but has this not already been predicted due to the financial state of the country? how long would the party last? at which point would it become common place for people to treat their body in a way that they choose?
How long can we as a 'Society' dictate what people should and should not use?
If you still believe legalisation or De-criminalisation is wrong I would like to hear what your plan would be? ask your self, do I disagree because I'm scared? or because my morals would not allow it? if this is the case, then legalising would not mean you had to use any substance. Please carry on with your alcoholic drink and remember to put your cigarettes in the bin provided.
Please remember that this is only my opinion, one formed by seing the harms illegal drugs can cause. It does not mean that any government in this generation would actually have the courage to try to Tackle Drugs or dream to Change Lives
The only answers I can find, suggest, that some drugs/substances are illegal due to the harm they cause. Is this really a good reason to criminalise people, stigmatise people? Looking at the wider picture, I can see harm is not just directed at the user but their family, friends and society.
The family and friends suffer due to the lies, stealing, possible violence, ill health and also the stigma. could legalisation change these, if it was done properly?
Society suffers the harm from the violence, crime and stigma. Could/would this change if these substances were legalised properly?
What do I mean by 'Properly'? Well, I'm not that naive, that I would suggest Mr Cameron or future prime ministers suddenly declared that users no longer faced prosecution if they were to use 'drugs'. But what if, trained pharmacies/services were to provide safe areas/places where people could use their substances? Licensed premises where such substances could be purchased and consumed? Does this sound familiar? They could be called a 'Public House'? Though I presume that during the passage of time this may be abbreviated or shortened so that it rolls of the tongue a little easier.
I'm getting ahead of my self a little. lets take it back a touch. Imagine, instead of the British tax payer funding 'treatment' in the way of alternative substances, which are then controlled by pharmacies, GP prescribing, accompanied by support services and therapies. The substances are purchased, as they are currently albeit illegally. Would it be to much to imagine that the government could then tax the product?
The global drug trade is estimated to be worth $320 billion of which the illegal or 'black market' accounts for 8% about $256,000,000 (Math is not a strong point).
Would the British government not like a piece of that? especially in the current climate.
You might think that the slice Britain would get, would not be worth the harm, destruction and crime that legalising drugs would bring. Hang on a moment, under the current system the government gains nothing from the illegal drug trade but yet has to pay for 'treatment'. Although I cannot find the full figure, it is estimated that the NHS side alone costs £160 million per year! I don't work for the NHS, so I'm guessing that this figure is only a part of the overall cost. Drugs are Illegal but they are still widely used and probably used somewhere near you.
The system is not working, the previous governments over the last 30+ years have not tried to 'Tackle Drugs' or 'Change Lives' but brush an issue which affects millions under the carpet by throwing money at it, hand over fist, cripple people with convictions because they wanted to put something in their body which other people dislike. people still use drugs and I believe that the issue is too big and far to scary for these "leaders" of our country to handle. they do not have the wisdom or strength to see they have been doing things backwards.
Yes, drug use may increase, but has this not already been predicted due to the financial state of the country? how long would the party last? at which point would it become common place for people to treat their body in a way that they choose?
How long can we as a 'Society' dictate what people should and should not use?
If you still believe legalisation or De-criminalisation is wrong I would like to hear what your plan would be? ask your self, do I disagree because I'm scared? or because my morals would not allow it? if this is the case, then legalising would not mean you had to use any substance. Please carry on with your alcoholic drink and remember to put your cigarettes in the bin provided.
Please remember that this is only my opinion, one formed by seing the harms illegal drugs can cause. It does not mean that any government in this generation would actually have the courage to try to Tackle Drugs or dream to Change Lives
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Smoking
It has been too long since my last confession!
on 13th January 2009 I had my last cigarette! I had stopped a couple of times a year but this time I found it so easy to stop. I had been put on blood pressure tablets (I was 26). I was determined to change my health and get rid of these tablets!
Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks and yes, weeks turned into months. with my determination, nicotine patches and help from other quitters on www.stayquit.co.uk I was on a mission, nothing was going to stop me stopping (have I over done the drama again?).
The stay quit website, if you have never tried it, is very helpful. every two days you log on and answer the question in a mini-blog style. the question could be "why I want to stop smoking" you type away at you answer and then tick the box to say you want it kept private/public. I made all mine public. other quitters then read your posts and offer advice, support, praise. it is a great community, full of people in the same situation.
once you have put on your post, you can click the 'Support' tab at the top of the page, this directs you to everyone Else's posts, which you can read and see what they are going through and then leave comments for them.
I found this so helpful (am I repeating myself) that I often logged on to give support and let people know how I was doing, one occasion I had been stopped for 15 months, but I was struggling, i logged on and asked for help, everyone was very supportive and helped me get through it.
Then cam all the issues with HADA (read 2nd blog for full details) and I caved in!
I started by buying a small packet of Amberleaf tobacco, a lighter and some filters. as you can tell this was pre-meditated and not a spare of the moment thing.
It was horrible, I only had the one but the next day I had another. The weekend came around and I left my Cigs at work. nobody knew and I wanted to keep it that way.
Monday morning came, not smoking had not bothered me all weekend but as soon as I approached Harrogate the urge to have a cig crept in. Had this been an experiment in Tobacco addiction and how much association play a part in it, the results were proven instantly!
Smoking at home was not an option so smoking never entered my head, but as soon as I was near work, where i had my last cig, the little nicotine receptors in my brain woke up and wanted feeding!
The weeks went on with my casual smoking, colleagues then found out, this meant Icould smoke more. When HADA closed I no longer had anywhere to hide my ciggies, they now had to go in my car, but this meant that i was taking them home, thus creating an association between smoking and home.
"I can resist anything, except temptation" (Oscar Wilde)
Soon enough, my wife found out, then my step-son, now i was free to smoke anywhere. I have lost control. Addiction has once again taken over!
So what now? Well, yesterday i bit the bullet and typed www.netdoctor.co.uk/stayquit into the Internet, logged into my account and pressed the 'I've slipped up' button.
The site gave me two options, 'slipped up - had a couple of goes on a cig' and 'Slipped up - smoking regularly'
I clicked the obvious one, I was then given support and asked to write about what happened. they have also given me a new quit date 21/10/10 ( I have ticked the private box because I'm not confident i can do it).
i'm not sure I'm ready to quit yet, because, if I try now and fail within hours, I will feel misserable and my confidence will be knocked and then I'll feel trapped.
But I am going to try, not for my kids, my wife, friends or for that ex-smoking snob that tuts every time i go out for a cig! I'll do it for me and when I'm ready!
on 13th January 2009 I had my last cigarette! I had stopped a couple of times a year but this time I found it so easy to stop. I had been put on blood pressure tablets (I was 26). I was determined to change my health and get rid of these tablets!
Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks and yes, weeks turned into months. with my determination, nicotine patches and help from other quitters on www.stayquit.co.uk I was on a mission, nothing was going to stop me stopping (have I over done the drama again?).
The stay quit website, if you have never tried it, is very helpful. every two days you log on and answer the question in a mini-blog style. the question could be "why I want to stop smoking" you type away at you answer and then tick the box to say you want it kept private/public. I made all mine public. other quitters then read your posts and offer advice, support, praise. it is a great community, full of people in the same situation.
once you have put on your post, you can click the 'Support' tab at the top of the page, this directs you to everyone Else's posts, which you can read and see what they are going through and then leave comments for them.
I found this so helpful (am I repeating myself) that I often logged on to give support and let people know how I was doing, one occasion I had been stopped for 15 months, but I was struggling, i logged on and asked for help, everyone was very supportive and helped me get through it.
Then cam all the issues with HADA (read 2nd blog for full details) and I caved in!
I started by buying a small packet of Amberleaf tobacco, a lighter and some filters. as you can tell this was pre-meditated and not a spare of the moment thing.
It was horrible, I only had the one but the next day I had another. The weekend came around and I left my Cigs at work. nobody knew and I wanted to keep it that way.
Monday morning came, not smoking had not bothered me all weekend but as soon as I approached Harrogate the urge to have a cig crept in. Had this been an experiment in Tobacco addiction and how much association play a part in it, the results were proven instantly!
Smoking at home was not an option so smoking never entered my head, but as soon as I was near work, where i had my last cig, the little nicotine receptors in my brain woke up and wanted feeding!
The weeks went on with my casual smoking, colleagues then found out, this meant Icould smoke more. When HADA closed I no longer had anywhere to hide my ciggies, they now had to go in my car, but this meant that i was taking them home, thus creating an association between smoking and home.
"I can resist anything, except temptation" (Oscar Wilde)
Soon enough, my wife found out, then my step-son, now i was free to smoke anywhere. I have lost control. Addiction has once again taken over!
So what now? Well, yesterday i bit the bullet and typed www.netdoctor.co.uk/stayquit into the Internet, logged into my account and pressed the 'I've slipped up' button.
The site gave me two options, 'slipped up - had a couple of goes on a cig' and 'Slipped up - smoking regularly'
I clicked the obvious one, I was then given support and asked to write about what happened. they have also given me a new quit date 21/10/10 ( I have ticked the private box because I'm not confident i can do it).
i'm not sure I'm ready to quit yet, because, if I try now and fail within hours, I will feel misserable and my confidence will be knocked and then I'll feel trapped.
But I am going to try, not for my kids, my wife, friends or for that ex-smoking snob that tuts every time i go out for a cig! I'll do it for me and when I'm ready!
Monday, 20 September 2010
Alcohol & Pregnancy
Firstly, it has been a while since my last blog, I have been waiting to write about something a little less self indulgent. So as a male wanting to be less self indulgent I thought I would write about pregnancy...................before the feminists, mums and expectant mothers come for me with pitch folks let me explain why.
This Thursday (23rd Sept 2010) I have agreed to do a session with a group of young people at TRAX in Harrogate, the group is the 'Bumps to babes' group who meet there every Thursday. They have asked if I would come along and discuss Alcohol with the expectant mothers.
I have been looking into the 'current' guidance for pregnant woman on how much alcohol is safe to consume.
It had been thought that expectant mothers could drink alcohol in 'moderation' and that safe limits were up to 8 units per week, this equates to 3 & 1/2 pints of 4% lager per week or 4 small (175ml) glasses of wine per week.
"in 2007 ministers changed their advice on drinking during pregnancy after research found that almost 1:10 expectant mothers drank more than the recommended limit" (www.Drinkaware.co.uk)
"in March 2008 the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence or NICE (Said whilst pointing both index fingers at the screen) advised woman not to drink at all during the first 3 months of pregnancy, also known as the 1st Trimester (check out my knowledge).
they added small amounts of alcohol one or two units once or twice per week after the first trimester was safe " there is uncertainty about how much alcohol is safe to drink in pregnancy, but at this low level there is no evidence of harm to the unborn baby" (www.drinkaware.co.uk)
So there is no evidence it harms the baby (drinking small amounts) but is there any evidence it does not harm the baby? (I'm being Pedantic I know)
All this is useful for my session in 3 days time but nothing beats real life experience! having the wrong equipment and only 3 days to prepare, me getting pregnant is a non-starter.
So.....I Need You!
Whats your experience? did you drink alcohol during pregnancy? did you avoid alcohol for the full term? how easy was it? also did you get any advice about drinking from your mid-wife or GP? is any thing missing? looking back what advice would you give to expectant mums?
Thank you for helping me to help others!
This Thursday (23rd Sept 2010) I have agreed to do a session with a group of young people at TRAX in Harrogate, the group is the 'Bumps to babes' group who meet there every Thursday. They have asked if I would come along and discuss Alcohol with the expectant mothers.
I have been looking into the 'current' guidance for pregnant woman on how much alcohol is safe to consume.
It had been thought that expectant mothers could drink alcohol in 'moderation' and that safe limits were up to 8 units per week, this equates to 3 & 1/2 pints of 4% lager per week or 4 small (175ml) glasses of wine per week.
"in 2007 ministers changed their advice on drinking during pregnancy after research found that almost 1:10 expectant mothers drank more than the recommended limit" (www.Drinkaware.co.uk)
"in March 2008 the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence or NICE (Said whilst pointing both index fingers at the screen) advised woman not to drink at all during the first 3 months of pregnancy, also known as the 1st Trimester (check out my knowledge).
they added small amounts of alcohol one or two units once or twice per week after the first trimester was safe " there is uncertainty about how much alcohol is safe to drink in pregnancy, but at this low level there is no evidence of harm to the unborn baby" (www.drinkaware.co.uk)
So there is no evidence it harms the baby (drinking small amounts) but is there any evidence it does not harm the baby? (I'm being Pedantic I know)
All this is useful for my session in 3 days time but nothing beats real life experience! having the wrong equipment and only 3 days to prepare, me getting pregnant is a non-starter.
So.....I Need You!
Whats your experience? did you drink alcohol during pregnancy? did you avoid alcohol for the full term? how easy was it? also did you get any advice about drinking from your mid-wife or GP? is any thing missing? looking back what advice would you give to expectant mums?
Thank you for helping me to help others!
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